It’s come to my attention that not everyone gets butterflies
when they come in contact with someone they “like”. (You know what I mean)
It’s my lack of butterflies the majority of the time that
the arrival of butterflies has me in analyzation mode yet again. And then I learned that butterflies are not analogous for everyone, or even universally existing.
I’m trying to look at the situations that brings butterflies, and
wondering how to explain feeling them to someone who doesn’t have them.
It’s challenging. It’s kind of like having ASMR. If you don’t have it (and I
don’t) I can only imagine what it feels like when friends that do have it -explain
what causes their symptoms, and how those symptoms feel. I know what a tingle
is, I know what extreme calmness feels like, so I am able to understand.
I doubt I would be writing about this if I weren’t single. I
think being single provides an opportunity to be extra honest since we often
find that butterflies disappear once in a relationship. Which is also
part of what I want to elaborate on. That disappearance and if it’s inevitable.
I’m not going to go into a story of who I feel butterflies for, I want to start
with basic facts about why I think butterflies are felt. (For me anyway…clearly I can’t write for
To explain, I have to start with flattery. It seems butterflies
are hugely related to flattery, so it makes sense to admit: I’m not someone who
I had a friend years ago that would post ads on Craig’s list
to get creepy attention. She was flattered by the replies, and it didn’t matter
what they said, what they looked like, or any factor. She only needed the one
aspect to feel flattery--a reply. I may have sounded very harsh the first time
she brought up she did this. I was so confused and shocked that
irrespective of a persons mind, face, attitude, personality, location, job,
criminal record, integrity…she could feel flattered by anything, and get
excited to read her emails. I am never going to understand that.
For me, flattery ONLY has to do with who the person is and what they are saying.
My disingenuous meter is rather fine tuned, and if a person tries to compliment
me without knowing who I am, my meter is on full read. If flattery is felt, I
tend to know who they are. The degree of flattery usually depends on how well I
know them, and even what I think of them through an interaction history.
Another factor is how long I have had them in my world, and what they have
shown me in WHO they are during that time. But most importantly, MY opinion of
them has to be high in order for large flattery to exist.
This is not to say that I have to know a person only for a
long time and know them really well. Some people have the ability to show you
who they are in the words they choose, in the vibe they carry around with their
facial expressions, and their ability to come across as genuine. It’s similar
to clean air and smog. A person who carries a clean air vibe is a totally
different person than one that is walking around with smog. Maybe everyone is
not sensitive to the air a person carries, but as a historic enabler, I learned
very young how to read people and watch for details. I should also admit that
many people carry neither clean air or smog… I don’t know how to explain that
part of my perception, only that they are the majority of people. I think I can
break it down this way…Most people don’t give off their WHO they are as they
walk around… maybe 50% of people aren’t allowing themselves to be read. 25% of people
seem to be unaware that their shitty attitude is like a cloud around them that affects
their face, their walk, and the way they feel when they stand near you. Then, another 25% of people put out their general goodness in their demeanor; the face, the
walk, the voice, the attitude… these are the people I connect with and make my
friends. I know better to leave the other 75% of people alone, and that has
been one of the best lessons I’ve learned about friends and myself in recent years.
So… looking at these types, I’ll call them the silent, the cloudy, and the
clear. And I must add that my perception of these three types of people are
exclusive to ME and MY perception. As well as my history, experiences, and
decisions. A clear person for me can be a cloudy person for another. This too
has been obvious on many occasions. (I hope this is starting to make sense.)
I wrote a post a little while back titled My Who, Your Who, Who are You?
that is good backup for this post if you care to read it.
So lets jump back to Butterflies. I have found that tiny butterflies
can be experienced in general compliments that feel nice. Complimentary
Butterflies I’ll call them. Those aren’t what I’m writing about today. The
butterflies that spurred this desire to explain today are Attraction
Butterflies, and Attraction Butterflies I’ve decided are not entirely mine.
Shit, I’m trying so hard not to tell a specific story, but I might have to.
After spending a number of months watching a guy that comes into my general
vicinity, after having a few conversations, after saying hello to him countless
times, I find that when I walk near him I feel Attraction Butterflies. It’s
like they are flying around HIM, not flying inside me, and the proximity to
him, dictates how big those butterflies are. I also like the way he speaks to
me, he’s intelligent, he is clear, he smiles when I look at him, and he listens
when I speak. His clear air, his genuineness, and his ability to show me he sees
“My Who” are all present. So although I don’t KNOW him well, or many details
about him, all factors are in place for his words to flatter me, and for me to
experience butterflies. This “perfect combination” of factors is so rare in
this day and age, I’m thinking I’m an oddball unable to change with the times,
and I will remain “old-school” in this, because I don’t want it to change. I
like it this way. I like reaching a point of Attraction Butterflies, because
it’s an educated place to be.
This is like going back to the world of dating before cell phones, dating
sites, or anything outside of actual human connection that happened only in
person. This is how people fell in love “old-school” and decided to experience
life together. It was actual mental connection, then actual physical
connection. Most of which happened at a normal pace in a healthy world of actual human
interaction. NOT via any intermediary device.
That healthy world started changing… my story about Craig’s list and my friend
is a good example of that…that was before smartphones and apps got involved in
human interaction on intimate levels.
I must not forget the part where butterflies disappear. This
too is related to what you feel from the other person, and I feel like its part
of proof that butterflies are not necessarily yours alone, they are directly
related to what the other person is putting out or not. I believe that people
very much in love, don’t stop having butterflies if they don’t stop seeing the
clarity of one another, if they don’t stop saying things that flatter, if they
stay genuine and open; actually putting effort into not allowing the familiar
to turn into the mundane. I believe present people who care about keeping
mundane from knocking on the door are the people that get to keep experiencing
the other person’s feelings, and reveling in Attraction Butterflies. This means
maintaining trust, willingness to compliment, awareness of intonation, and many
more things that come with a healthy relationship that can be called solid. The
people who have THAT don’t have it by chance. They give a shit, they know their
Who…and it’s a two part process; both individuals have to be this way.
So here I am, single in this world of connection that mostly happens via
technology, and I am not feeling flattery through it, I am not feeling
butterflies through it, and I am feeling entirely “old-school” needing actual
time and actual interaction to feel actual feelings. I think I’m healthy. I
think butterflies the way I feel them are healthy, and I wish for that world to
As for my handsome example of getting to feel Attraction
Butterflies…he’s not available. Is he attracted to me? Not sure. I can guess
so, because few feelings so strong that are vibrationally felt when you go near
a person--are imagined. They tend to be there because of BOTH parties, not
because they are simply wished for. So is he feeling something? Probably. After
all, if he is going to be genuine, sincere, and act as though he “sees” me, he
too will pick up on the butterflies flying around me. Will he feel them? Not
sure, remember that part is exclusive to the individual. Will he feel
something? I bet so. It would be interesting to read his take on it, but for now,
in true Natalie form, I’m going to be clear to myself about me, and not ask for
clarity from him.
I’m maddening in my desire to allow others their privacy. ;) With my lack of
questions, I’d make a terrible reporter.