Tuesday, December 24

A Heart without Words

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.”
                                                            ― Mahatma Gandhi

A Dearheart shared this quote with me, and for multiple reasons I find it terrific. 

I mentioned recently about following my heart, and feeling sure my heart will guide me where I’m supposed to go with life. Sometimes that means just stopping and feeling, not expecting my heart to be full of words.

One of the things I’ve accepted is that not everything I feel has words. Often I don’t understand what I’m feeling because I don’t have words for it. The words help me know what’s going on in my head, but when I don’t have those words, and I’m forced to feel, I have to sit back and allow the feelings to exist and be felt. It’s half comforting and half frustrating for someone who likes understanding and relies on words.

But in doing that… having a heart without words, you put yourself in a place to be listening. And if your intention is prayer, try allowing your heart to experience no words.

It’s like sitting with a friend and watching a sunset. You could sit there and talk, you could be looking at each other, finding words for thoughts, and thoughts for feelings, but you could also sit with that friend in silence and not think, watch the sky, witness the beauty right in front of you since it’s only going to last for a few minutes.

Take in the color, cloud, and light. If we do this, we give ourselves the opportunity to stop and feel. This is what I mean by a heart without words, this kind of beauty touches your heart, makes you feel things, and being ok with the fact there are not words for it is a great space to allow.

I still often find I feel things I don’t understand. Sometimes it’s in the desire to cry over a situation without knowing why I want to cry. Ya, I see some small reasons, but the desire for crying is far bigger than the understanding that brings the desire. I’m trying to allow more of the feelings of my heart to be felt without knowing the words right away. Sometimes in letting myself feel, I get to the words eventually. Which is really what I want… to understand myself better, and get clarity even if it has to come at the end, instead of the beginning.

Sunday, December 15

Energy Givers

It's humorous to find I'm turning into a hippie. I did not know I would grow up to become a "Make Love, Not War" advocate. But what's also interesting is how I see those two words now. They both mean so much more than I assumed when I was young. (I find myself hoping you know exactly what that means.)

This is where I sound even more like a hippie.

The Energy of Love is so much more powerful than the average person is aware of. In fact, the average person doesn't realize how much life revolves around "energies". If you are familiar with "the four control drama's" you are aware of the the need people have for energy. (number 6 if you click on the link)

I have been thinking a lot about energy lately, trying to notice when people are givers or takers. And even when people do neither. 

It turns out I'm someone people like to take energy from. Not many people give energy to me. I'm aware of this because the two feel so different. It's literally like there is a battery inside me that people hook up to and run down, or hook up to and charge. I'm not saying this is out of my control, because I am a giver of energy and do it pretty consciously... so if someone gets used to me giving it, I shouldn't be surprised if eventually they start taking it irrespective of my choice.

What's a little shocking is when they come right out and tell me they aren't getting it, but want it. No, it doesn't happen too often that people are that blunt, because they usually use one of the four control dramas to get it instead of saying "I need more". Well, and sometimes they do both.

With that said, I'm wanting to actually concentrate on the Givers. The Rare Ones. The few-and-far-between individuals that cross my path and make a difference on my battery for the better. I have written before about people who easily affect me for the better: (The Dearhearts) and this is akin to that.

These Givers have the ability to read me. They see things in my mood or body language others don't, which is interesting to me. They are more aware. They also seem to easily praise or appreciate me when I'm not doing anything for praise or appreciation, or even seemingly noteworthy. This is one of the ways they give. Not because I love having praise; on the contrary, I'm not fond of praise, but the type of praise Givers give, is one that says "I see your genuineness, and I want you to know I see it." This type of praise usually comes from very casual words, not excited big expressions of fondness.

Another thing I've noticed is the physical energy from the hands of the Givers. No, I don't know if all the givers have an energy I can physically feel from their hands, but of the few who have touched me, they have clearly -touched me.

There is this young girl I work with. She's very young, and SUCH a Giver. I pray she doesn't grow out of her giving, because she is so good at it. Extremely genuine. She is the type of person, that when she walks past you, she will scratch your back for a second or two. A couple people at work do this, but they aren't givers, so I don't feel the energetic tingles of their giving. This young girl has different beliefs on religion than me, she's 20 years younger, she doesn't have the same goals as me, and outside of work, we aren't "friends", so it is easy to say this young girl is not "special" to me per se; to make me feel her physical energy, but clearly -she is special in that she's a BIG Giver!!

I haven't spoken to her about this, although she saw that she clearly affects me a couple days ago when she related a recent experience of many emotions and thoughts happening in her head at once. I was so easily able to feel what she was saying, I couldn't contain my tears and had to walk off for a tissue. It was her energy and beauty I felt, not her frustration. 

Some of the things about her giving ability: She does it without knowing. She gives even in the relating of a story. She doesn't seem to have qualifiers for her affection and giving of energy. I'm not asking, she's not trying, she just gives. I wish the world were full of more people like her. It feels too small and short to say "more givers" but that's all it is, having the ability; and Giving.

Thursday, December 12

Gossip & BS are the same.

(I'm totally convinced December is the shortest month of the year. Fully. Completely & Utterly. It's already 12-12, and I swear it was only two weeks ago since it was 11-11.)

I realized something today. I could/should have realized it long ago, but I think we are so brainwashed to some things not mattering, or being 'the norm' we don't notice, so we can't realize.

I was in the grocery store, walking up to the check out, and I glance to my left at all the magazines and Gossip rags they have there. I read some of the headlines, compared them to the celebrity expressions they accompanied, and I found myself saying: there are actually people _____ enough to find that interesting and worth spending money on.  I'm not trying to pass judgement, I'm just saying it finally occurred to me what Gossip is.

The images on these magazines were all upset faces and headlines that fit the expressions. Nothing good, nothing happy, nothing uplifting or cheery, just complaining, fighting, whining, negativity and upset. Nothing we put on our Christmas lists, nothing we say we want to grow up to have, nothing we enjoy, and yet, clearly people must be buying these magazines, because they keep printing them.

What occurred to me about gossip, is that it's got 3 faces to it. It can be true or false or a half true, doesn't matter, they are still the same. The idea of gossip is repeating the bad. Bad circumstance, bad choice, bad anything. The "truth" isn't even important with gossip. The repeating someone's BS is the real goal, not getting your facts right.

If someone has bad things happening in their life, choosing to repeat the bad is choosing to gossip because of the nature of what you are saying. So when the story IS true, repeating it is still your opportunity to swim in someone else's BS. That is all these magazines are doing.

No wonder I have no interest in gossip.

Tuesday, December 3

Feelings vs. Thoughts

Why thoughts always win, but feelings are the champions.

I’m going to try and find words to explain this “thing” that happens, maybe we all do it, and I think it would be great if we could master not doing it.

Ever have a feeling to do something, you don’t do it, you talk yourself out of doing it, and then later realize: I should have done that! This happens to me often.

One example: I was in Romania, leaving my apartment in Calarasi, locking my door, and I suddenly had a feeling to take my toothbrush with me. I was headed to Bucharest for the day, taking the train, I wouldn’t need my toothbrush, and my thoughts talked me out of heeding the feeling, So I did.

Guess what? I ended up stuck in Bucharest that night, and found myself wishing so bad I had my toothbrush. (clean teeth is important to me) No, not having a toothbrush wasn't the end of the world, and it wasn't some lightning bold advice that I was kicking myself over later. It just simply would have been great to be able to clean my teeth.

My feelings somehow knew I would want my toothbrush, and yet I let my thoughts that don’t know everything talk me out of listening to my feelings; regrettably.

This same thing happened today on a smaller scale. I was using the earphones for my cell phone on my tablet, and as I was about to leave the house I had a feeling to unplug my earphones and take them with me. My thoughts said: I will no way need my earphones at work, don’t bother taking them. So I ignored the feeling and listened to the thought.

Well, I didn’t need my earphones while I was working, but I did end up needing them AFTER work, and I didn’t have them! 

Often I have a feeling and I let my thoughts talk me out of it.

I’m a pretty sensible person, so I always let my sensibleness mean more than my feelings, and without fail I am learning that my feelings are SMARTER. I should listen to THEM!

And ya, today it was only headphones, and usually it's something small, but in learning to listen to the feelings and not let my thoughts take over, I will likely one day be so very glad I mastered quieting the thoughts and heeding the feelings.

The reason I write this is because I believe we allow our thoughts to dictate -when we should be allowing our feelings to be in charge…

Feelings and thoughts are so similar it’s learning to distinguish between the two that’s tricky. So my guide is: feelings tend to come first, like a present just being handed to me. Thoughts tend to try and convince me to see it differently, like that present is really a bomb, and I shouldn't open it because A. I don’t want to be blown up. And B. You never know what could be in a bomb.
Both good points really. Sensible stuff. Possibly worth listening to. So the feeling; being the present doesn't defend itself. It just exists as a present. The other is literally full of thoughts and reasons.

This is currently my only distinguishable tool. If you have a better way, please share!