Friday, March 28

Fences with GATES!

If love is the most powerful force in the universe, why is it so very easy to hold it back from one's self? Why is it the one thing we want to insist we live without? Self Love could be the easiest thing in the world, and yet we make it the hardest.

It all depends on YOU. It’s like we have this element to us that refuses to allow the good stuff, the feel good parts, the wonderful… and we fight it.

I’m on the other side now, I figured out that I will be happiest if I just bloody-well love myself and like who I am. If I do that, I’m happy, I get happier, I enjoy life, and “things” in life sail along so much smoother. On this side of the fence, I’m left being rather confused why so many people choose to stay on the other side of the fence. I’m even standing AT the fence talking to people sitting on the ground the other side, saying “There’s a gate right there!!” and they refuse to believe it’s as easy as standing up and walking through it. That the gate is how one arrives on the side of the fence where I am.

What’s stopping them? I’m not sure. I think a decision is stopping them. And the decision can’t be made because they have so many reasons not to make the decision. Maybe at some point they will reach a saturation level, where they can’t stand it any more, and the discomfort will be more than the importance of the excuses and fear of walking through the gate.

I keep thinking of other posts I’ve written as I write this one, and I feel like saying some of those things again: “If you want something different, you have to do something different.” And “Stand up and Deal.”

If you are on the other side of the fence, and sitting on the ground with your reasons to keep sitting there, and you DO keep sitting there, you clearly don’t want to stand up and do something different, even if you say that’s what you want. Until you actually stand up and do something different, nothing changes. You see that, I see that, and I don’t care who YOU are, the choice to sit or stand is a CHOICE.

There’s a gate in that fence, and even if you can’t see it from where you’re sitting, you won’t find it if you stay where you are.

I wish you success, and you have my love.

Thursday, March 20

He keeps thanking me...

He keeps thanking me:
for my time
for my efforts
for my laughs
for my support,
for my sticking it out
for my understanding
for my encouragement
and my never getting short.
He keeps thanking me for
being available
my willingness
my happiness
my help,
my openness
my genuineness
my greatness
and myself.
He keeps thanking me
for everything I am to him right now,
and for everything I do,
When all he has to thank me for, is feeling, “I love you”.

Monday, March 17

Criticizing. What is the point of it again?

I sometimes worry about our species as intellectuals when we struggle terribly to see the most obvious of things. We have the ability to grasp such complexities as String Theory, or Quantum Mechanics, and yet, we don’t have the ability to see how bloody well pointless it is to criticize. 

And I don’t just mean criticizing others… I mean criticizing ourselves.  (It’s pointless to criticize others too!) The levels at which we criticize ourselves can run far deeper and meaner than when we are criticizing others. “Don’t be so hard on yourself” is what we all tell one another, but this is what each of us totally ignores as advice inside our head. Instead we say, “I need to be excessively hard on myself”.

And I ask WHY?

I am finally at a place in life that I’m doing pretty good seeing I’m totally flawed. I’m trying to learn and be less flawed, but I also have finally accepted that I won’t reach perfect! I don’t have to be perfect, and I like who I am, flaws and all! I’m totally ok with not knowing some big words, I’m ok with my lack of skills for things I wish I could do, I’m ok with so many ‘failings’, EVEN THO they are things I am still trying to do better on, get better at, and be better with.  I acknowledge that criticism of myself IS NOT how I attain the level I strive for -where I no longer have reasons to criticize myself. How I attain that level of Non-Criticism is to Just STOP Criticizing! 

It’s that easy?
Ya, it fucking is that easy. 

Realize you get no benefit in the put downs, in the not good enough’s, in the being so hard on yourself. And if you get no benefit from doing it, why the hell are you anyway?  You can understand string theory but you can’t understand this?  No, I think you can understand this, we just love to pick on ourselves and feel bad, because we are afraid of liking who we are and thinking we are Fucking Cool People.

Lets quit it. Lets believe we are fucking cool, and skip along with that in our hands, leaving criticism behind in our dust.

Wednesday, March 12

Falling, Flowing, & Knowing Tears are Good.

I saw a program many years ago about tears and crying. The part that stuck with me all this time was: The chemical make up of tears cried for different reasons; do differ. Not all tears are the same. Tears of happiness don’t match tears of sadness. This made so much sense to me because I am a person that doesn’t just cry out of sadness, I cry when almost any emotion is severe. It’s like the tears flow over the places where emotion lives, they pick up the emotion, and they carry it out of my body; flowing out my eyes.

Some people like me, find themselves crying in laughter, frustration, sadness, anger, or embarrassment. I found myself unable to hold in tears the other day watching a video as a homeless man was given a thousand dollars. He was so touched it came out in his face, his voice, his stance… and his genuine appreciation moved me to tears. I cry out of the beauty in giving, and the beauty in receiving.

One time I watched a trailer for the film “make the connection”, in those couple minutes I was touched by shock, as I saw an animal (that may have been a dog) skinned and still alive. I burst into tears so severely I decided to make a change in my life instantly. On that occasion, the horror brought tears.

What I have learned in being me, and crying over everything, is not that I’m a baby, but emotions are something akin to blood, or lymph. Emotions flow through us, and when something happens, they can flow out of us, from our eyes.

The damage of a knife cutting into your veins makes blood flow. How is it so different that anything cutting into your emotions, wouldn’t make tears flow too? Emotions are partly intangible, so the idea of them being attached to water might be strange for some. I think it makes total sense that anything emotionally big enough can cut into us, causing tears to fall and flow, just like blood.

When we let go of something we are holding, we “release it”. In releasing it, it falls.
Is it coincidence this is how we speak about crying too?

In recent months I have been thinking about this crying thing I tend to do, and because my attention has been on allowing tears more often, I have noticed that sometimes I ALSO feel like crying when I don’t know why, and don’t understand what I’m feeling. I know I’m feeling emotional, because the tears appear, but without a good reason, I have always tried to stop them.

So, Instead of avoiding crying simply because I don’t understand what the emotion is that has appeared; I’m allowing the tears. I’ve decided crying is healthy, and in doing so, sometimes the tears suddenly stop. Like they know what they are doing; they are releasing something necessary, and it seems in a way like I’m allowing my body to run itself. Ya, kinda like I let my lungs inflate when they need to.

Many people are happy to admit to never crying. I have no idea how they do that, and why they would want to. Holding in tears is one of the most uncomfortable things I can think of.