Friday, August 30

Precious Hope

I've been noticing more and more lately how fragile Hope is.
My own experiences in loosing her for many years, and having her shot down numerous times since finding her again, have me finally realizing she’s little and precious and I actually need to make her a bullet proof vest.

Then when she comes back to life, I have some way of protecting her. The crazy thing about her needing a bullet proof vest is not that everything is shooting bullets at her. It’s that she is so fragile and precious that it takes far less than a bullet. A situation is all it takes… maybe even a conversation. These non-bullet things shooting her down have made me realize she’s so fragile she needs that vest.

One of the ways I make that vest -is stopping myself in the thoughts without Hope and I remind myself I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Keeping Hope alive has everything to do with how I choose to see the situations, thoughts, comments, and consciously keeping Hope standing on two feet.

I’m a person who loves laughing, so I like to say in my non-Hope moments –“I will probably be laughing tomorrow”. And 95% of the time that is precisely what I’m doing. (I’m reminded of the “it gets better” movement; because that’s exactly it.) Tomorrow is going to be different. That’s only hard to accept because we can’t see into the future.

Hope does keep getting back up when she’s shot; however slowly. She was down for a long time, but I found her, helped her get up… and I watched her get shot and fall many times since. It’s only now I’m realizing I’m gunna-haveta build that vest.

I love to personify…
This song is a great example of hope, and it too uses personification. Genius song; I say.


Come in close now, it's time to tell a story
Long ago and so many years before we
Ever were, ever dreamed we even could be
There was her and her very first heartbeat

All alone in the corner of the night sky
Spiral bones of a supernova starlight
Fell in love with another burning bright
She dreamed of a way to ignite

She said,
Come on, come on
Break me to pieces, I
I think you're just like heaven
Come on, come on
Let's see what a fire feels like
I bet it's just like heaven"
(Just like heaven)

Such a shame
Nowhere near, even the near miss
Lightyears away
From the hope of being sun-kissed
Anchored home in her interstellar sea
But, poor lonely Cassiopeia

So she sighs and she burns with desperation
Learns to cry over love of constellations
Then the spark from a star shooting too close
They both smiled
What a day to explode

She said,
Come on, come on
Break me to pieces, I
I think you're just like heaven
Come on, come on
Let's see what a fire feels like
I bet it's just like heaven"
(Just like heaven)

Long ago in a sky built before us
A supernova grew up to be stardust

Friday, August 23

Not ALL of us are Human

I wish I knew what to say. I wish I had eloquence in sorrow, but sometimes I’m stuck for words. Especially when it involves upset over someone I love.
Today a friend of mine shared a picture of his face… in the hospital… after being beaten up. I called him immediately; horrified.

Before I continue I insist on saying this was in England. The English love fighting, bullying, bitchiness, and being mean. I can say that because I lived there for so many years, and anyone trying to argue there isn't truth in that is clearly deluding themselves.

My friend is English, but he is a Dearheart. Recently diagnosed with high functioning Autism, and interestingly; he is hyper-caring. That is very uncommon with Autism, and also uncommon for the English.

He was on foot, walking some distance, making a couple stops and noticed he was being followed by an old girlfriend (4+ yrs ago) and a man. They followed him for about 45 minutes, Even getting on his train. He pretended to not notice them, and then in somewhat of an alley, they pounced. He was punched in the face at least 6 times by the guy. When he was on the ground, the old girlfriend kicked his ribs and pulled his hair. Not surprisingly this is also a girl that had a restraining order put against her after they split because she was dangerous. A passer-by called the police, and he was taken to the hospital. Luckily nothing is broken but skin.

Clearly she is as dangerous as ever, and felt the need to harm a Dearheart. -She is in so much trouble with karma…

My friend is also named Nat. He sees the beauty in dragonflies, flowers, clouds and cats. 
Ladybugs, sticks, petals, and moths.
He is a Beautiful Human who does not deserve to be attacked.

Seeing his face bruised, swollen, and bloody is upsetting for so many reasons. Talking to him, he does not sound mad, revengeful, or even upset. He is confused. Why should someone who used to be in his life feel the need to physically hurt him?
How could another man who doesn't know him, punch him in the face?

This is NOT ok. It’s unacceptable, and I write out of powerlessness to help him or remove the confusion and pain.

Nat is kind, peaceful, and loving. His beauty is one of the reasons I started this blog. He inspires me. The majority of the photos I use to illustrate a thought -I get from Nat.

Nat is encouraging, thoughtful, he cares about people, and has hope for the world. He’s a top quality human. The kind we all hope to cross paths with in life. How someone crossed his path and physically hurt him instead of appreciating him I will never understand. It breaks my heart and makes me lose faith in people. It even convinces me not all of us are human.

It’s uncommon to read something like this from me, but I do it because of the beautiful face I saw all swollen and bloody. I write because of injustice and my desire to make something so cruel into something not so awful.

Would you put Nat in your thoughts? Send him a mental hug. Help him feel the love of humankind he believes exists somewhere. The love he wants everyone to feel through his genuineness and friendship. The love he finds so easy to give, and so non-existent around him.

(these pics too... all from Nat)

Wednesday, August 21

Walking. (also skipping with brief stints of running)

There’s this path I love to walk on. A farmer paved a wide circular route through his fields that runs up and down slight hills, past rows of trees, and around the fields where he keeps a few cows. (yes, I mentioned this path recently in ‘The Dearhearts’)
It was a Dearheart that showed me this path, and since I walked it with him the first time, I have been walking it alone often.

This evening it started to cloud over and rain. It got a little dark for how early it was, and the wind started blowing. It’s August, and here where I live, this is still very much summer. I heard many people complain today about the heat saying they looked forward to summer ending and fall beginning. Frankly I will always be sad to see summer leave. I love the heat, the sun, the long days, and of course the sunsets so late in the day.

I headed down to ‘the farmers path’ for a walk in the warm windy air just in time to enjoy a lengthy sunset if the clouds were willing to part a bit and let some light through.

I bought a new cd about six weeks ago and I haven’t listened to it for almost a fortnight. Time to walk with “The Blessed Unrest”  by my favorite Artist.

“Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live, maybe one of these day you can let the light in…”

Sha-zam! What the heck happens when you start walking with music in your ears, fresh air in your lungs, and  the beauty of nature and sky all around you? Magic, that’s what.

“You said, remember that life is not meant to be wasted, we can always be chasing the sun. So fill up your lungs and just run. We’ll always be chasing the sun.”

I was not the only person on the path. Ahead of me were two friends jogging. Passing me in the opposite direction was a little girl (about 8) on her bike wearing a riding helmet, her mother trying to walk quickly behind her, and the father walking slowly with two more little ones even further behind.

“There’s a history through her, sent to us as a gift from the future. To show us the proof, More than that it’s to dare us to move. And open our eyes, and to learn from the sky”

Eventually another jogger passed me as I walked resisting the desire to let my hands dance to the music playing loudly on the white buds in my ears.

“I miss the days when my mind would just rest quiet. My imagination hadn’t turned on me yet.”
“This is my darkest hour. A long road has led me out here. But I only need turn around to face the light and decide flight or fight.”

The sunset was almost non-existent as I started walking. Just a few sunbeams popping through the clouds trying to stretch downwards.
Walking alone always takes me to thoughts of a particular person.

“I’ll gather up the avenues and leave them on your doorstep. And I’ll tiptoe away, so you won’t have to say, you heard me leave.”

The wind continued, and I took the clips out of my hair to let it fall and blow in the wind. Drops of rain started falling, but so thinly it was nothing to even take note of, or allow to affect my walk. I tucked my hair into my shirt to blow around a little less, but it seemed to not want to be excused from the party.

“You may find yourself in the dead of night. Lost somewhere out there in that great big beautiful sky. You are all just perfect little satellites. Spinning round and round this broken earthly life. This is so you’ll know the sound of someone who loves you from the ground. Tonight you’re not alone at all. This is me sending out my satellite call.”

There’s a small pond in the middle near the west edge of the path. As the sunset colors change, so does the reflection on water. (A pic also in ‘The Dearhearts’) This is one of the great things about this path… there are numerous spots where stopping and taking pictures proves to be perfect.

“All alone in the corner of the night sky, spiral bones of a super nova starlight, fell in love with another burning so bright, she dreamed of a way to ignite.”

On both the east and west sides of the path there are curly willow trees so full and bushy they almost look like globe willows. On the west side there is a sign: "To the person that cut these trees, please never come back."

Romantic would be a great way to describe this path, but I can’t help wondering if it’s romantic on a level you can’t ever convey to anyone else. They would have to feel it themselves, or miss out.

“Kiss me goodnight like a good friend might. And I’ll do the same but won’t mean it. Cause love is a cage, and these words on a page, can carry the pain but they don’t free it. In another life I wouldn’t need to, console myself as I resign to release you.”

Each time the path dipped, I skipped and let my hands float around with each song, sure I was a little hidden and could get away with it. The sunset continued changing.

“Let the bough break let it come down crashing. Let the sun fade out to a dark sky. Can’t say I’d even notice it was absent. Cause I could live by the light in your eyes. I’ll unfold before you, what I’ve strung together. The very first words of a life long love letter.”

As it got darker, I passed less people on the path. The little girl on the bike and her parents were gone. The Joggers disappeared, and it seemed I might be one of the very few left out walking in the beauty.

“No way to make the pain play fair, it doesn’t disappear just because you say it isn’t there. So when they ask why’d she go, you can say cause life in Eden, life in Eden changed.”

Rain fell so sporadically the path was still two shades of gray in the dim light. I mouthed the words to the music and finally allowed my hands to do their own thing walking in the freedom of darkness. Rain fell into my mouth, wind danced through my hair, and I began to skip-walk.

The dark sunset changed again. It was nearly gone anyway, but suddenly a diffused pink cloud appeared. It was a glowing light in the middle of the sunset, kind of like an intruder who didn’t want to play the sun-setting game.

“It’s like I’m standing on the edge with just a telephone wire, trying to get to you first to say the world’s on fire. Holding my breath until I know you’re alright, because the water will only rise. When will you realize?”

You can buy The Blessed Unrest Here

“…the horizon is all we have.”

Wednesday, August 14

Stand Up and Deal

I tend to notice patterns. I pick up on stuff, and when I keep picking up on things, and seeing patterns, I make connections.
Sometimes the connections create a thought that continues to arise at some point everyday. It even seems to suddenly apply to others around me, making me feel even surer we are all so much more connected than we realize.

A friend shared a saying on fb recently, which I then shared. Oddly, the whole saying will not stay in my head, just the last four words. The saying is about being strong. And being strong is what I aim to be in life. Because being strong means I have more growth, more happiness, more better... and more better is better!

I want to see everything in life in a way that doesn't hurt, doesn't bring down, and doesn't diminish me in any way. For most people that means lying to themselves. Coming up with plans of how to not feel any hurt, and telling themselves (and others) lies to accomplish that.

What I’m saying is I want the LEAST painful, but with the MOST clarity. I’m willing to actually look at my shit; where I’m weak, where I need to grow. THEN fix those weaknesses and deal with the shit.
I don't want be putting on blinders so I don’t see all the side stuff. I want the non-painful with the complete truth. I don't want to have to lie to myself about anything to get that. 

I’m finally at a place in life where I’m not so afraid, I’m not going to be destroyed by anything, and I’m going to continually “Stand Up and Deal”.

Wednesday, August 7

The Dearhearts

Maybe everyone in the world is a Dearheart to someone, and it’s the dynamic between you and them that allows you to see their Dearheartedness.

I have met many Dearhearts, but some really stand out. They are “special” and their specialness makes me more special. This is the dynamic I thrive on. Friends of such caliber and Dearheartedness are so inspiring, it almost doesn’t matter what they say, it touches you and makes you feel happy.

Tonight I was walking with a beautiful sunset, great walking music in my ears, and I turned on my data connection to listen to a specific song online. Upon doing this I received a message from a friend; a Dearheart.

There I was walking and thoroughly enjoying myself, mouthing the words to the song and even skipping now and again when I couldn’t resist. I was walking at dusk on a solitary path, so my pleasure was uninhibited.

In a matter of seconds I was transported from my beautiful sunset walk, to a beautiful sunset walk with a Dearheart. Her genuineness took me over the edge, and touching me so suddenly my eyes filled up.

I feel indulgent and cocky to share her words, but her Dearheartedness was so beautiful, I don’t care. Its her I want to share.

“Hi sweet you. <3 Just drove home and the song "Natalie" by Bruno Mars came on my Pandora. I turned it up loud and sang your name SMILING.
The lyrics to the song aren't that great or positive.... but it's fun to sing the part "Natalie!" ”

Then we chatted about sunsets and farm fields and on being inspired. (I was walking on a path paved by a farmer with cows grazing in the middle.)
She shared a poem with me by Rainer Maria Rilke  (translated by Robert Bly) Titled Sunset.


“Slowly the west reaches for clothes of new colours
which it passes to a row of ancient trees.
You look, and soon these two worlds both leave you,
one part climbs toward heaven, one sinks to earth,

leaving you, not really belonging to either,
not so helplessly dark as that house that is silent,
not so unswervingly given to the eternal as that thing
that turns to a star each night and climbs

leaving you (it is impossible to untangle the threads)
your own life, timid and standing high and growing,
so that, sometimes blocked in, sometimes reaching out,
one moment your life is a stone in you, and the next, a star.”

Thank you to the Dearhearts. I appreciate you in my life. I get to smile, laugh, and cry with you… and I love it!

Saturday, August 3

Stop Look & Listen

The old adage I learned as a child to remind me to pay attention when crossing the street or train tracks, was good advice then, and still is now.

Only now, I use it for decision making.

One wouldn’t think we need to be reminded to STOP, but in the chaos of life, we very much do need to hear that. In order to stop look and listen, you have to first stop physically and mentally.

Once you’ve stopped, you give yourself the opportunity to LOOK. What you are looking at is what you have in front of you, what you have behind you, what you have learned, and what you may still learn. The key with looking is to be honest with yourself, see everything. Be sensible and don’t imagine things are not as they appear. Flat out look at it clearly as though you had perfect vision.

When you can see it, it’s imperative you LISTEN. This is the important bit.

What you are listening to is NOT the noise and doubt you hear most of the time. What you are listening for is the sensation of what is good for you. This often comes in the form of physical comfort. Then the listening can take you to a decision. Listening isn’t done by your mind to your mind. It’s done by your heart to your whole being. This is what will make you comfortable so you can be clear on what to do.

If you are struggling, try to “stop look & listen”. You might get some great clarity to help you with a decision or two.