Thursday, October 31

Who are you trying to impress?

Who are you trying to impress?

I need to write a bullet point bio that isn’t a bio. It’s a list of accomplishments. What did my years get me…what did my study conclude…what was my thesis, and what did I prove?

How do I quantify, qualify, explain, and impress the immeasurable effort, days, years, experiments, successes and failures -that this life I’ve led has stamped upon me? I didn’t choose a classroom, I chose a planet. I didn’t take tests that got graded, I failed or I passed. I observed, concluded, observed, fell, observed, succeeded, observed and shared. Becoming this person with a million opinions, and a thousand suggestions. I am a complicated construct of a girl that has so much to say on psychology, etiquette, couth, transformation, correlation, intonation, relation, narcissism, autism, conditioning, trauma, desire, and dynamics.

No, I’m not a simple creature. At times, I’m too much for myself, but if asked to bullet point bio this complicated girl, I fail for a few reasons.

The first is that I do not have a need to impress. If impressing others were a goal I would have given even 10 minutes thought into turning my fascinations and interests into something akin to a qualification that brought me a fancy “career” and letters to attach to my name.

To even say “I fail” makes it sound like I’ve tried. No, I fail to care that my life long obsession with observation, transformation, and understanding doesn’t “look like something” to someone else. Who am I trying to impress? Nobody. And why?

Because that is not related to who I am, what I do, why I want clarity, and every other reason I have become this person with no need for someone else to be interested in what I say.

It’s my approval of myself I have spent years seeking. Having wrapped my head around that is how I reached the realization everything else can just rest AS IS from there. I got what I needed. I have what I searched for.

I fail also to care if anyone just listens. Because what I actually care about is listening with aim for betterment. If someone wants to better themselves, and work on the things I work on, THEN I care if they listen, because maybe that is someone who gets what I’m talking about. Maybe that is someone who notices the details like me. Maybe that is someone who doesn’t like “status quo” either.

I know the unlikelihood of what I write benefiting the masses. I am not for the masses. Twitter, tinder, facebook, and snapchat are for them. That’s where the masses be. Anyone interested in wholeness and healing the insides of this human condition are the ones that might find my perspective useful.

Impressed, impressive, it’s all in the eye of the beholder…where the beholder has been is what really dictates what they hear, what they think, what they understand. A beholder reading bullet points will see I am nothing.

If we have multiple lives, this one wasn’t to be the one that I concentrate on others opinions. This one is for my growth, understanding, and benefit. I will not exclude others on a path similar to me, and what I also won’t do, is insist anyone follow, or be impressed.

Stubborn or Strong?

Before you tell yourself you are standing your ground, not moving, “sticking to it”, or being “steadfast” in your decision…you should really ask yourself if you are being Strong, or just Stubborn.

Strength knows when to apologize, it knows when to change, it knows when to make a new decision, and it understands being flexible. Strength is telling the truth. It’s being honest with yourself, it’s communicating to reach understanding, and it’s NOT one sided.

Stubbornness is insisting your side is right. Whether it’s attitude or position, story tale, or truth. To be stubborn is to decide you are going to be difficult, not move, be determined, and dogged in your attitude. Stubbornness is not deciding you are going to stand in a place of strength and educated in doing so.

Stubbornness comes when feelings get hurt. It appears when one part of your mind is sad, mad, upset, or crushed. While another part of your brain says: “Never again.” And the stubbornness switch gets flipped. Honestly, being stubborn is the easy decision. The first decision. It’s the decision to not be humble in your hurt, or to feel empathy for where the other person might be coming from or what they could be feeling. Strength knows humility and empathy. Strength is WILLING to stand and see all sides. Strength is also ok with the result being a lack of understanding, because humility and empathy fill that hole.

Stubbornness insists that something has been removed. That there is less than, and insecurity. Strength says, everything is fine as is…I’m wiser, I know more, I will use this information to help me be even STRONGER, more humble, more empathetic, and better than I was.

I know I can be stubborn, that’s how I know what it says to my psyche. I know I can be strong, that’s how I know what benefits it gives me.

Today I think of past friendships, and current beautiful ones. The clarity on Stubbornness for one or both parties in those “past friendships” is more obvious now. Reasons can't always known when the stubbornness wasn’t mine, but the understanding through strength is there when I’m willing to transform my stubbornness.

We tend to see our feelings getting hurt similar to the way we see our physical body being hurt, even without realization of this. If you are in a car accident, and the reason for the accident is clear, (who did what for the cause) that is information you use for the rest of your life when you are driving. It makes sense to hang onto it. But when our feelings are hurt, the lack of knowledge (who did what for the cause) is most often totally unknown, add to that: bad days, life struggles, general stress, and even hormones, and the understanding of why the feelings got hurt are almost impossible, especially if stubbornness appears before communication does.

So without a personal story this time, and just a lot of realization. I am writing this for myself, and anyone else interested, to remember -that the next time you make a decision and it looks at all like being stubborn, ask yourself if you are wishing to be strong instead. Stubbornness is weak, flawed, and uneducated. Do you want to stand with your hands full of that? Or do you want to decide you will be strong, and do the harder thing which probably requires you communicate. Sometimes the end result can look the same, such as: I need to avoid that person because they are unhealthy for me. Strength sometimes decides that. But if stubbornness decides it, you are probably the one missing out, choosing weakness, not communication, and your pride in deciding that -keeps you oblivious to all kinds of benefit Strength carries.

Be aware -just that. Pay attention, be clear, don’t be so afraid of feelings. You’re built around them, why not understand them, and not just feel them.