Thursday, October 31

Who are you trying to impress?


Who are you trying to impress?

I need to write a bullet point bio that isn’t a bio. It’s a list of accomplishments. What did my years get me…what did my study conclude…what was my thesis, and what did I prove?

How do I quantify, qualify, explain, and impress the immeasurable effort, days, years, experiments, successes and failures -that this life I’ve led has stamped upon me? I didn’t choose a classroom, I chose a planet. I didn’t take tests that got graded, I failed or I passed. I observed, concluded, observed, fell, observed, succeeded, observed and shared. Becoming this person with a million opinions, and a thousand suggestions. I am a complicated construct of a girl that has so much to say on psychology, etiquette, couth, transformation, correlation, intonation, relation, narcissism, autism, conditioning, trauma, desire, and dynamics.

No, I’m not a simple creature. At times, I’m too much for myself, but if asked to bullet point bio this complicated girl, I fail for a few reasons.

The first is that I do not have a need to impress. If impressing others were a goal I would have given even 10 minutes thought into turning my fascinations and interests into something akin to a qualification that brought me a fancy “career” and letters to attach to my name.

To even say “I fail” makes it sound like I’ve tried. No, I fail to care that my life long obsession with observation, transformation, and understanding doesn’t “look like something” to someone else. Who am I trying to impress? Nobody. And why?

Because that is not related to who I am, what I do, why I want clarity, and every other reason I have become this person with no need for someone else to be interested in what I say.

It’s my approval of myself I have spent years seeking. Having wrapped my head around that is how I reached the realization everything else can just rest AS IS from there. I got what I needed. I have what I searched for.

I fail also to care if anyone just listens. Because what I actually care about is listening with aim for betterment. If someone wants to better themselves, and work on the things I work on, THEN I care if they listen, because maybe that is someone who gets what I’m talking about. Maybe that is someone who notices the details like me. Maybe that is someone who doesn’t like “status quo” either.

I know the unlikelihood of what I write benefiting the masses. I am not for the masses. Twitter, tinder, facebook, and snapchat are for them. That’s where the masses be. Anyone interested in wholeness and healing the insides of this human condition are the ones that might find my perspective useful.

Impressed, impressive, it’s all in the eye of the beholder…where the beholder has been is what really dictates what they hear, what they think, what they understand. A beholder reading bullet points will see I am nothing.

If we have multiple lives, this one wasn’t to be the one that I concentrate on others opinions. This one is for my growth, understanding, and benefit. I will not exclude others on a path similar to me, and what I also won’t do, is insist anyone follow, or be impressed.

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