Sunday, April 28

My take on Love vs. In Love

I should have decided to commit words to this thought sooner. I spend a fair amount of time thinking about Love in general.
I’m a pretty loving person, even if those I love don’t hear me say it all the time, I try to BE loving; which isn't hard for me.  (I have to clarify: Now that I’m older.)

I've been noticing the friends on fb that seem to ‘promote’ love vs. those that don’t, what their personalities are like, and how comfortable in their own skin they seem to be or not be.

Here’s what I've noticed. Some people in this world have figured out that general love of others; they've accepted a love space that isn't awkward or painful. Some understand that when you allow yourself to Care, you allow yourself to Love. Which is OK. But for some… they are just terrified of it because of being bitten in the Ass before by what they have chosen to believe was Love. I mean they decided it was love that hurt, and not the person they loved. To correct that thought for them: No, it was the person that hurt… not the Love.

I personally feel it’s possible that I don’t love any two people the same, and yet, I love so many. This word “LOVE” is just one word, we have to use it for so many instances, so many conditions, so many many’s. I’d like it if there were degrees of this word –I think that would be healthy. Then those that find it hard to love, could still use a version of the word. They would possibly understand what they are feeling even better.

Now, the IN LOVE…
I think being IN love is very different because that space looks like intimacy; trusting, kissing, caring, holding, comforting, touching, supporting…. There are so many things that can be said about being IN LOVE and they all center around two people having a connection that they both treat with great respect and importance, because this person you respect –and they are important. 
It seems some people don’t know the difference between Love and In Love. And here is where I do some sharing of what I've seen/heard/felt.

I think the people who reach a point where they say “That’s it, No more falling In Love with Anyone!” are people who are innately very loving people. They have loved enough times to have decided that when the love space ends, it’s so painful they would rather go without love just so they don’t have to feel the pain again.  (Gosh I have so much to say I want to spit it all out at once…)

Those people don’t seem to know that we can love many, that fact doesn't mean we should love many.
Or, I can say it like this: we can fall in love with many, we shouldn't fall in love with many.

Put another way: just because you CAN fall in love with a person, doesn't mean they will be a healthy long relationship. Just because you CAN fall in love with them doesn't mean they are worthy of your love. Just because you CAN fall in love with them doesn't mean you two are compatible. Just because you CAN fall in love with them doesn't mean they will fall in love with you also.

These same very loving people often chose poorly, giving that In Love feeling to someone who didn't/doesn't deserve it. A person who wouldn't treat the being in love with the importance it should have, and rather than considering they shouldn't have given that In Love feeling to the person, they decide that it’s the In Love feeling that needs to be avoided in future. NOT realizing, the lesson to be learned is to choose more carefully. Instead of deciding they need to never love again. What a sad situation to be in, because the realization of this, is actually LESS painful. AND it means that when In Love rears it’s head again in future, it doesn't need to be immediately painful.

CHOOSING to make In Love the enemy, instead of realizing you have to be more careful who you love in future, means that you are CHOOSING to make life harder, more painful, emptier, sadder.

Please tell me you can see how much easier it is to just look at YOURSELF and say, Hey ______ (insert your name) how about next time you feel like falling in love with someone, you pull out the sensible glasses and put those on… leave the rose colored glasses at home, in their case, in the closet, in a shoe box, in the back, out of reach. Look at how compatible this person is to you, how much you have in common, how emotionally mature they are, how respectful of your feelings they seem to be, and how likely the two of you would be to have something that Lasts…. Yes, I’m talking REALLY SENSIBLE glasses. If you don’t have a pair, you NEED a pair. Because getting a pair of these glasses is so much nicer for your entire life than deciding that In Love is painful, and has to be avoided, and won't bring you happiness.

The glasses might also help you see something else… that what you thought might be In Love, could actually just be Love. That thing that never needs to hurt, because you can just plain Love countless people.


  1. Language is Our Prison, and Our Palace . . . .

  2. I think a lot of people choose to be 'in love' through rosé coloured glasses because they fear loneliness and are willing to take the chance. What they won't realise till later on is that you could be in a room full of people or in a relationship with one and still feel alone.

    1. That is the great debate... Choosing to be alone, or ending up so.
      We are meant to Love... The In Love is the bonus state we all hope and strive for.

  3. hello from iran,excellent dear natalie,,you know,because i did not experience love in reality yet,at least with a lady,i can not participate in the debate,but i learning from you,carry on,thanks

    1. I have been in a few conversations on this topic since writing it, and it seems many people haven't thought along these lines before, lumping all forms of love into just the one word Love. I hope to expand some thinking.
      Thank you for visiting!