What I FEEL is another story. And no, I’m no psychiatrist, so what I say could be entirely textbook and obvious to some. It’s all experiential for me. When I say “feel” (this time) I mean specifically feelings we don’t choose. Feelings that arise and are like a 5 gallon bucket of paint poured over your head from the heavens. It can’t be ignored, it has to be felt. This is how I see feelings I have through conditioning. I literally mean like Pavlov’s dogs knowing that a bell equates to food. Our whole youth is full of conditioning.
This + this = that. Almost everything is association and conditioning. If you have a dog you make association for them on a regular basis. If you have children you are doing it, and sometimes creating who they are in the process. Which isn’t to remove their volition; they WILL make decisions you don’t like –despite your conditioning.
I’m writing not because I’m willing to share what conditioning appeared for me recently, what paint got poured over my head, but to acknowledge that what I felt/feel was/is incredibly real. It affects the adult me. How do I undo/delete/fix this conditioning I don’t want to be feeling, since I don’t choose it?
Annoyingly, it took a wise 20 year old that lives with me to give me the advice my sensible self should have already said.
Communicate it away.
“Natalie do what you do, communicate this feeling to the person it’s related to, then they will know, and its power will be gone. Be open about it, and there can’t be an issue because you put that feeling out there before you could have your conditioning affect the situation.”
Through my cloudy head of snot and tears, I absolutely saw she was right and what she said was THE sensible answer. I already could see I was being silly allowing a feeling that wouldn’t appear to be a fear it COULD appear, and that had everything to do with my upset also. I could say and happily admit the possibility of what I feared arising was almost impossible, but the conditioning was/is so damn REAL, what I felt was larger than what I knew.
So, I communicated.
What happened then? I cried anew at the grace, beauty, love, and understanding shown to me by sharing something affecting me so heavily. Also being shown that who created this conditioning is nothing like or could ever be like this force of goodness that was communicating the feeling away for me. It’s stupid –but I needed that. It was like they stood there and said “I’m not your dad. I’m nothing like your dad, and I’m NEVER going to harm you”. Only, all of that got said by being reminded WHO I WAS talking to, and that person only knows kindness.
I will undo what that man did to me and I will continue undoing it using tools he didn’t ever use. Shouts and threats aren’t communication. He will forever be a really good bad example. I will continue to accept the quality examples like my wise 20yo, and my beautiful, graceful friend –full of pure goodness.